Blahness

The Scream, c.1893, Edvard Munch

I've never given much thought or significance to dreams. They are fascinating at times, especially when they're like some action-packed adventure movie, so very real that I'll wake up quite exhausted, with every detail still vivid in my mind.

I do marvel at the mind's ability to come up with things during the dream state that I'd never be able to imagine while awake. And for some reason, though I have zero fear of elevators in reality, whenever I find myself in an elevator in a dream, that damned thing will either free fall if it's going down or will go right through the roof if it's going up, sometimes even going sideways. They never function normally and always scare the hell out of me.

By the way, have you ever watched someone while they're dreaming? I'm not sure if it's REM but you can see the eyeballs moving back and forth under their eyelids. Pretty strange.

I've had such wonderful dreams that upon waking I'd feel disappointed to realize that it had only been a dream. Then there have been those horrific ones where I felt extremely relieved to open my eyes and find that my world was still intact. Last night's dream was a bit disconcerting.

I can only recall part of it, although I know that there was nothing pleasant going on up to this point. I was in unfamiliar surroundings. It was night and I had to go somewhere for some reason so I jumped into my car. After driving a short distance I see that the street ahead is engulfed in flames but I drive through it anyway without hesitation.

Next thing, I'm in the hospital and I'm saying, "Let it die, let it die" to this nurse who is cradling a body that has no legs. The head is completely bald. The only exposed skin is on the head and neck, and it's all black from being burned. It's me, but I'm not in that body anymore. I don't have much emotion at all as I continue to repeat this over and over again even though I know she can't hear me. Then the nurse says, "She's going to live." Can't remember anything beyond this. I was probably shocked out of my sleep.

Now that has to be one of the most helpless, hopeless, pathetically tragic scenarios that my mind has ever concocted.

Ach! It was just a stupid dream. Both my legs are in good working order, my hair is actually getting too long, my skin is just fine, and I don't have any plans to drive through streets of fire. Although, the dream could be symbolic of the current state of my spirit. Told ya I wasn't well. I wish you all could have known me when I was still mentally and spiritually intact. That saying about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger does not seem to be holding up here.

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Difster ~

Dreams are weird things Taylor. Mine are usually mixtures of different places melded in to one. One person I know could be representative of another in a dream. Back when I first started learning (as in actually studying) chess, I had all sorts of weird chess dreams. I don't usually remember much about my dreams beyond the first few minutes of waking up. But I usually do remember the ones that are supposed to mean something.

I frequently take melatonin to help kick in my sleep cycle and that tends to be a dream enhancer as well.

And yes, REM sleep is when the eyeballs flutter back and forth.

Mar 31, 2007 05:16

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Jamie R ~

That saying about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger does not seem to be holding up here...

Get over it woman.

Mar 31, 2007 17:15

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Jamie R ~

Ach! It was just a stupid dream.

Al-Qaeda stole my car, it was first rate terror.

Mar 31, 2007 21:28

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Nailing The Liberal

Found this video through Bane. He's right. You gotta see.

I had to repost it here because it is so right on the money. Evan Sayet, a reformed Hollywood liberal, does a brilliant job of dissecting the modern liberal mindset.

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Morris ~

Oh, man, that is just so spot on...

Mar 28, 2007 15:07

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Billy D ~

I'm going to make my kids watch it later. (They'll piss and moan about it, but hey, sometimes medicine tastes bad, you know?)

Mar 28, 2007 23:59

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Taylor ~

Good idea, Billy D. I can certainly believe the kids won't be too enthralled with sitting through this 48-minute video. But, like you, I'd do everything possible to open my children's eyes to the realities of this insidious ideology that plagues our Western world.

Too bad there's not an inoculation against it. And there doesn't seem to be a cure for it once the disease has manifested itself in the mind.

Mar 29, 2007 03:05

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Ouch!

I am holding a piece of ice which has melted nicely around my right index finger where a yellowjacket stung me close to the palm. Prior to this, I had never in my life been stung by a bee or wasp.

I was taking out the garbage for Monday's pickup. My eye caught a flash of its yellow and black body when I opened the lid but was distracted by some workmen up a ways in the alley. It just didn't register and I stupidly grabbed the rim of the garbage can right where this little beast was perched.

It certainly registered when I instantly felt a fiery pain in my finger. I let out a scream, threw the bag in and ran inside while looking for the stinger. There was no stinger at the little red dot where I had been assailed. I immediately Googled "bee sting" to see what the heck one does. The first thing one must do is look for the stinger because it can pump venom for up to 20 minutes. Yikes! And it's not like a thorn, as I was looking for, but a little black dot! That's quite a punch packed in a little black dot. I looked again, real close. Nope. No black dot. Then it goes on to described systemic allergic reactions which include symptoms like nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness - fortunately none of which I was experiencing. Anaphylactic reactions include wheezing, difficulty breathing and drop in blood pressure - none of those either. Whew! I am not allergic. So, I followed the instructions for treating it - applying ice and a paste of baking soda.

This one tiny sting was very painful. It made me think about the stories I've heard of people getting attacked by bees and sometimes dying. I can now imagine how much those people suffered. And what a stupid way to go! To think that you're outside, alive, healthy and happy, then in an instant, your life is endangered - by insects. Makes you think...

The ice helped a lot to reduce the pain. Now, the red dot is completely gone and just a tiny bit of swelling remains. The pain has subsided as well. Well, looks like I have no excuse to put off the chores. I'm off to tackle the yard work.

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Billy D ~

I mowed over a bees nest in the ground when I lived in NY. I thought my legs were on fire 'til I looked down and saw a million bees. That was awesome.

Distracted by workmen. That's begging for commentary from Jamie.

Mar 19, 2007 22:02

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Spacebunny ~

Ouch! Sorry to hear about that. My oldest got stung for the first time on Sunday! I got the stinger out (not all bees/wasps leave the stinger in, those that do die afterwards, those that don't can keep on stinging you)before it could pump much venom in and we watched him closely for a bit because his grandmother is deathly allergic to bee stings. Everything was fine. The ice really does help doesn't it.

Mar 19, 2007 23:01

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Spacebunny ~

Here you go:

Honey bees—but not other bees or wasps—generally leave the stinger embedded in the skin. Remove the stinger as soon as possible since some additional venom may be pumped by the venom sac. Honey bee stings are best removed by scraping (not crushing) the stinger with a finger nail or knife blade.

Mar 19, 2007 23:04

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Taylor ~

Billy D, awesome is not the word I would use to describe such an experience. What kind of silly bees make their nest on the ground, anyway? You are very lucky to not have had a bad allergic reaction to that many stings.

I believe you when you only noticed them after feeling your legs on fire. I didn't feel any prick at all, just the fiery pain and it was instantaneous. Those guys shoot first and ask questions later.

About those workmen. My distraction was totally driven by defensive curiosity - as anyone's would be when strangers are lurking nearby. I couldn't even describe their faces or bodies... just a group of men wearing hardhats with toolbelts hanging from their hips. The untimely sting put an end to my curiosity... :)

Mar 19, 2007 23:08

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Taylor ~

What a coincidence, SB. I was talking to my cousin and he said the same about bees leaving the stinger in and then dying. He said that it's barbed so pulls away from their bodies and their intestines fall out too - that's why they die. He said wasps won't die and can sting over again cause their stingers are smooth like a needle, so it doesn't pull off when they sting. Not a very good defensive mechanisms for those poor bees.

I've never been scared of bees or wasps. They'll even fly in the house sometimes and buzz around me. I just ignore them and don't swat at them. The poor things are not aggressive.

I forgive the little guy. I was about to put my hand on him. He was just protecting himself.

Mar 19, 2007 23:18

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Taylor ~

SB, it's good to hear your little one did not have a bad reaction. People like his grandmother have to be really careful. I read that they usually have a kit around. It could be a matter of life or death if they don't get that antihistamine in them.

In anaphylactic reactions, victims experience wheezing, difficulty breathing, and a drop in blood pressure that leads to shock if not treated promptly. Around 50 people are killed each year in the U.S. due to severe anaphylactic reactions to bee stings. These type of reactions usually occur within minutes of the bee sting. Since most people who have allergies to bee stings will have a worsened reaction to every subsequent sting, those individuals with bee sting allergies should talk to their doctor about taking special precautions, including carrying an injectable form of the drug epinephrine (used to treat anaphylactic reactions) at all times.

Amazing what a severe reaction that such a tiny little bit of a chemical can produce.

Mar 19, 2007 23:25

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farmer Tom ~

I mowed over a bumblebee nest when we used to mow the local cemetery. Got stung numerous times, 10 to 15 we weren't sure, I was in a lot of pain and got sick.

Now even the sting of a sweat bee or a honey bee will instantly give me a headache and make me nauseous.

I try to avoid the little suckers if at all possible.

Mar 20, 2007 00:26

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Taylor ~

Sheesh. That's two incidents involving bee nests on the ground. I've never heard of such a thing. Lazy Yankee bees...

You've probably developed a hypersensitivity to their venom after that huge initial dose. And how is it that you keep running afoul of the little critters? Are you that sweet? :)

Mar 20, 2007 01:16

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Giraffe ~

I've been stung a few times. There is a guy I know who is a bee keeper. He doesn't even wear protective gear much anymore. He says you get stung enough times you don't have a reaction anymore, it is like a mosquito bite. He also said the most painful is getting stung under the fingernails.

Mar 20, 2007 01:41

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Taylor ~

As in that beekeeper, I was thinking there must be cases where people can eventually develop an immunity to the venom. It must depend on the individual's biology as to whether they can. In cases of severe allergy, I wouldn't think anything can be done to lessen the severity.

I wonder if he would have a reaction to the venom of other types of bees and wasps?

Mar 20, 2007 02:51

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Erik ~

They can do some amazing stuff to reduce the level of allergy to a substance. The newest treatment can remove 100 points from your "score"

That wasn't going to help the guy who was telling me because his scores for the many things he is allergic to in in the thousands. (I don't remember what the scale/rating is called)

Mar 20, 2007 02:59

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Taylor ~

I know nothing about treatments for allergies. Thank God I have none. No hay fever, food allergies, evidently none to wasp stings, cat dander, animal fur, drugs, penicillin - nothing. I know quite a few people, though, who are in misery from them. It seems there are more these days than ever. My sister developed terrible allergies when she married and moved to Phoenix. Isn't that where people used to go, the desert, to get relief from allergies?

Although when I was 10 I received a shot of penicillin at the doctor's office and when I got off the examination table, I said to my mother, "I feel dizzy." Mother was still learning English and had no idea what "dizzy" meant. Then I keeled over. The doctor thought I may have had a reaction to the penicillin, but Mother assured him that I was prone to fainting. My natural low blood pressure, when combined with fear or pain, will tend to have that effect on me... I still hate shots!

Mar 20, 2007 04:03

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Difster ~

I got stung in the stomach once when I was a teenager. I had a magazine in my shirt because it was the only place to keep it while I was riding my bike home. That wasn't actually too bad.

I stepped on a bee once. I don't think it was living on the ground, it just happened to be there. That REALLY hurt.

Last time I got stung was about a year ago. I was helping my friend do some landscaping and just past dusk (when all of the bees are normally gone) I gave him a slap on the back just as a bee flew in between my hand and his shoulder. I had an itchy little bump on the palm of my hand for two weeks.

Mar 20, 2007 04:43

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Taylor ~

That was some bad timing with that slap on the back, Difster. Itchy palm, eh?

Mar 20, 2007 06:50

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Jamie R ~

Distracted by workmen. That's begging for commentary from Jamie.

Well....

Actually I'm a little upset she didn't finish the story.

I'm off to tackle the yard work.....

Yeeessss?

Mar 20, 2007 16:31

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Jamie R ~

Oi get the lead out woman, time for a new post.

Blogger's block is no excuse, post on that German polar bear, I hear it's super cute and has no plans to take over France.

Mar 24, 2007 16:24

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Taylor ~

I started on a few posts and they just fizzled out. It seems that everything is so frickin obvious that to put it into words is a waste of time.

The world is sucking more every day. People are more stupid every day. This country is going more downhill every day. Politicians are all corrupt. Justice is a travesty. Liberals are still dangerous lunatic retards. Right is wrong. Wrong is right. Spiritual entropy increases. Satan is really rocking now. A Mexican savage shot and killed a police officer here in Dallas last night. Just another of the majority of crimes committed by illegal Mexican scum.

It's all the same shit, only more of it.

But the Mavericks are playing really well...

Mar 25, 2007 02:07

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GodMen

From Christian Men...Too Wimpy?:

GodMen, a new Christian movement founded by "America's comic" Brad Stine, encourages its members to model their lives on a "manlier" version of Christ. (AP Photo)

Three hundred men — all Christian — gathered behind closed doors at a Tennessee mall trying to figure out the difference between being "nice" (which is not good) and being "good" (which is). They struggled in the dimly lit hall — after a Christian rock band handed it off to the comic in charge — to make sense of the message they were hearing from the stage: that church has been "feminized" and that the Jesus talked about in many modern churches is too wimpy and gentle.

This is a bit encouraging - and rare. If a movement is what it takes for men to start acting like men again, then I say, get moving! Our families, the Church and this country are badly in need of good, strong leadership from Christian men.

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Billy D ~

Amen! And it's about time. For some reason, it's gotten to the point where if you act like a man, that is a masculine, manly man, you somehow can't possibly be a Christina. Honest to God Taylor, I actually had several people tell me I don't "seem like a Christian". Not because I do wrong things, or act a fool, but because I'm not Ned Flanders. I sure hope this catches on.

Mar 16, 2007 18:53

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Taylor ~

Hopefully men are getting tired enough of this bullshit, pussified culture to take a stand. I pray they do. The saying about evil only flourishing when good men do nothing is absolutely true as is evidenced by the disintegration of our society and country.

Mar 16, 2007 22:41

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farmer Tom ~

Taylor, I need some technical help.

You made a comment about line breaks on my blog. I type it up with paragraphs and line breaks and when it's posted they aren't there. What am I doing wrong??

Mar 17, 2007 04:21

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Taylor ~

Hey, farmer Tom. You may have your settings doing this. If you go to the "Settings" tab, click on the 'Formatting' link at the top. Look at the 'Convert line breaks' setting. If it's set to 'No', then there's your answer. Change this to 'Yes' and click on the "Save Settings" button at the bottom. That should solve your problem.

If it's already set to 'Yes', we'll need to dig around a bit. But, first, let me know how this is set.

Mar 17, 2007 04:37

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Sparrow ~

Billy D, I'm confused -- I didn't think a manly man could be a Christina. ;)

Mar 19, 2007 02:26

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Billy D ~

Heh. Yeah, I have to start proofreading. It's almost like I type by just swinging my fists like hammers at the keyboard.

Mar 19, 2007 09:41

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Making Liquor-Laced Lemonade From Lemons

It's pouring rain, thundering and lightning right now. And very dark. I love it. There's something about being cozy, warm and dry inside my home while a tempest blows all around me that gives me a very satisfying feeling of aliveness. Driving in a storm gives me the same feeling, only I'm a little more tense. The thought that I'm moving right along in my little cocoon untouched by the roaring elements outside strikes me as quite cool.

Ooh! That was a huge lightning strike! Hope that awful, CO₂-producing electricity doesn't get knocked out here.

This reminds me of a couple of summers ago, also on a Tuesday... Yikes! I just jumped a foot out of the chair and my ears are still ringing from that strike!!! All's well, but the lights are struggling. My carbon footprint may be drastically reduced any minute now...

Anyway, I was watching the storm out the back door that day because the winds were gusting to scary velocities. Huge trees were being shaken like reeds, the loud crack of major branches snapping off could be heard. Then the electricity went out. This was not unexpected considering the fury of the storm. What was unexpected was the duration with which we had to go without electricity. The outage was widespread - hundreds of thousands of homes. It was quite an adventure, like camping out in my own home, as I had to manage without electricity from that Tuesday afteroon until Friday afternoon. Walking around the neighborhood after the storm had passed was eerie - very dark and quiet, with debris strewn all over the yards and streets, making them nearly impassable.

Forced to quit my 16-hour work days on the PC, I decided to take advantage of this unplanned vacation. Went to the liquor store and bought the most expensive bottles of Tequila, Vodka and Scotch that I could find. During the days, I lounged at the neighbor's poolside, sipping on my liquid treasures, ice chest on hand with mixers, deli meats and cheeses for munching. I would stay awake through the nights, candles burning, playing the piano or reading, with Morticia* and Juliana** at my side, just in case anyone got the idea that homes without electricity meant homes without security.

I could have kissed the electric company guys when their truck rolled up the alley that late Friday afternoon to repair the line that had been snapped by a falling tree. They seemed happy enough though with just my sincere thank you and an offer of a cold drink - in my bikini burkha.

* Remington 12 gauge
** Para-Ordnance .45

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farmer Tom ~

Taylor is teasing again, tells us that she serves drinks to the electrical guys in a bikini, but won't show pictures to prove it. What a tease!!

Mar 14, 2007 00:45

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Taylor ~

Oh, farmer Tom, I was simply telling a story to the best of my recollection. The bikini was a very tiny part of the story... :)

Mar 14, 2007 00:59

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Morris ~

"The bikini was a very tiny part"?? :lol:

But I'm with farmer Tom - where be the pics?

Yeah yeah, I know, we men....

Mar 14, 2007 05:13

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Erik ~

Bikinis may be tiny but they are never a tiny part of the story. Never.

I think Morticia is a fine name for a shotgun. Tho I think were I to name something Juliana I would bestow that moniker upon a blade. My .357 is Wynonna.

Mar 14, 2007 06:00

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Difster ~

I love storms. I miss the electrical storms in Minnesota. We don't get many here in SoCal.

Yes, PICS! Don't do this to us Taylor! It's cruel.

Mar 14, 2007 06:48

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Jamie R ~

Bloody punchline. Bikini punchline.

Mar 14, 2007 07:50

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Taylor ~

Bikinis aside, it was a nice little survival story. No? I think back on it and remember how interesting life gets when you don't have electricity. Life slows down drastically. I wouldn't want this all the time, but once in a while it's kind of peaceful. And so quiet! I remember sitting in the house and there's no buzzing, humming, television, stereo, nothing...

Mar 14, 2007 09:35

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Jamie R ~

Bloody punchline. Edited bikini to burkha punchline.

No!

I'll end it....

They seemed happy enough though with just my sincere thank you and an offer of a cold drink - in my burkha.

...They then splashed cold water over my burkha and I jumped up and down in reaction as it pressed the burkha right against my breasts.

Mar 14, 2007 09:35

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Jamie R ~

Yeah.

Yeah, that's better.

Mar 14, 2007 09:36

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Taylor ~

Ha! Only you could come up with this, K-Bear. Although, I do believe that it is strictly prohibited to jump up and down while one is wearing a burkha - something to do with bombs going off prematurely...

Mar 14, 2007 09:55

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Jamie R ~

That's okay, my bomb won't kill me. All it will do is cause me embarrasment.

Mar 14, 2007 09:59

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Taylor ~

I'm stumped.

Mar 14, 2007 10:07

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Jamie R ~

Yeah you weren't when you were thinking of how to end that story.

Mar 14, 2007 11:29

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Billy D ~

Or are we talking burkhini? You know, the burkha for the beach, comes up about two inches above the ankle for that "Oh you tease" look.. (I think it's also available with a semi-transparent face mask)

Mar 14, 2007 17:01

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Difster ~

Bikinis aside, it was a nice little survival story. No?

Bikinis aside? EVEN BETTER!

Mar 14, 2007 17:05

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Jamie R ~

Okay looks like the ending needs to change once again! I like these Choose Your Own Taylor Adventures!

They seemed happy enough though with just my sincere thank you and an offer of a cold drink - in my burkha.

...Which I removed, into my bikini, which then was put aside to combat the dreaded tan line.

Mar 14, 2007 18:07

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Taylor ~

Yeah you weren't when you were thinking of how to end that story

That's because it's how the story really ended. Hey, I was practically living in a bikini that week. It's the only way to go when without AC in Dallas during the summer. Just a matter of survival, not the Playboy mansion...

I like these Choose Your Own Taylor Adventures!

Enjoy yourself...

Mar 14, 2007 22:28

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Voices of Reason

Hear! Hear! This BBC documentary, The Great Global Warming Swindle, is long (one hour and 15 minutes) but well worth watching. Martin Durkin, who created this documentary, does an excellent job of exposing the Global Warming hysteria being foisted upon the masses.

The Great Global Warming Swindle

Of particular note is the part about how Marxists are now using environmental issues to further their agenda. I loathe environmental activists. They are far more dangerous than any Islamic jihadist and just as fanatical in their beliefs.

After watching this documentary I am more convinced than ever that it is not what man can do to the environment that we should fear, but rather what man can do to man. And with such a large number of scientists, politicians, journalists, activists and various other opportunists who are lining their pockets or furthering their agendas through what is now the Global Warming industry, it should be alarmingly apparent that we are indeed facing a massive man-made threat.

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EN ~

Watched the whole thing yesterday. Very good. Worth every single minute.

Mar 13, 2007 08:05

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Spacebunny ~

I saw this was on this weekend but missed it. Grrrr. Luckily for me it will be on again as I very much wanted to watch it.

Mar 13, 2007 08:27

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Taylor ~

EN, I truly hope this documentary gets widespread exposure. It is frightening how deeply they have been able to entrench the myth of man-made Global Warming into people's mind. I'm waiting for the GW activists to go into full attack mode in smearing those responsible for this documentary and try to bury/ignore it.

SB, like EN said, you'll enjoy watching every minute of it. This documentary is very well made. I will be shocked if it makes it on the airwaves in the US.

And I'll wager that not one of those many universities and schools that screened Gore's An Inconvenient Truth to scare the hell out of their students will be screening this documentary.

Mar 13, 2007 09:00

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Billy D ~

This kind of stuff makes me wonder who is going to step up as "The Man" and solve these "problems", you know?

Mar 13, 2007 21:54

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Taylor ~

Al Gore thinks he's "The Man", of course. He's convinced that his raison d’être is to save mankind from itself. It would be rip-roaringly hilarious were it not for the legions of dolts eager to follow him in his delusions of grandeur.

Mar 13, 2007 22:21

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Morris ~

Exactly, Billy. This is one of the levers that will possibly be used to bring in the 'New World Order'. The way it is being pushed so strongly it could even be *the* issue.

Mar 14, 2007 05:18

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Comic Relief

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded," I thought you said I had another 40 years! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

1. "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
   -- Author Unknown
   
   
2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two " and "Keep away from children."
   -- Author Unknown
   
   
3. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
   -- Drew Carey
   
   
4. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
   -- Jeff Foxworthy
   
   
5. "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
   -- Dave Barry
   
   
6. "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
   -- Bob Ettinger
   
   
7. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
   -- Paula Poundstone
   
   
8. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
   -- Conan O'Brien
   
   
9. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
   -- Lynda Montgomery
   
   
10. "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
    -- Richard Jeni
    
    
11. "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
    -- Johnny Carson
    
    
12. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    -- Paul Rodriguez
    
    
13. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld
    
    
14. "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
    -- Warren Hutcherson
    
    
15. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
    -- Oscar Wilde
    
    
16. "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
    
    --Mark Twain
    
    
17. "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student! At least they can find Afghanistan."
    
    -- A. Whitney Brown
    
    
18. Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
    -- Unknown, presumed deceased
    
    
19. "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
    -- W. C. Fields

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have -
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple..."Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

Update: Jamie R has not gone off to grab a quick bite... He posted a comment which has an accompanying video. Hmmm. And here I was all ready to find adventure Down Under...

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EN ~

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says,
"Hmmm, $10,000 dollars - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking
them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

Mar 12, 2007 04:28

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Taylor ~

Ha! If Jamie R doesn't show up in a while, we can assume he's walking the streets of Adelaide...

Mar 12, 2007 05:06

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Morris ~

That last one 'Divorced Barbie' is going to have me cackling to myself at odd times of the day today ... and probably getting me some odd looks too..

Mar 12, 2007 05:23

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Morris ~

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Mar 12, 2007 05:26

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Jamie R ~

May have posted this one before at Nate's but it's still a classic:

When their car broke down a Jew, an Indian and an Australian knocked on a farmer's door to ask for accommodation for the night. "I only have room for two, one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer. "Alright, I will," said the Jew.
But 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door. "There's a pig in the barn, I can't sleep in there," said the Jew. "Okay, I'll go," said the Indian.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There is an un-sacred cow in the barn," he said. "No worries mate, I'll go," said the Australian.
Five minutes later there was yet another knock at the door. It was the pig and cow!!!

Mar 12, 2007 05:53

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Jamie R ~

Time for a bit of a song:

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Taipan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Stonefish and the poison thing that lives in a shell
That spikes you when you pick it up

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed

Your life's constantly under threat
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left
Before a massive coronary breakdown

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Tiapan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Big shark just waiting for you to go swimming
At Bondi Beach

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed
Your blood is bound to be spilled
With fear your pants will be filled
Because you might accidentally get killed

Mar 12, 2007 06:19

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Wonder Woman ~

The wife husband conversation, now THAT was funny!

Thank you for the giggle :)

Mar 12, 2007 18:15

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Billy D ~

Q. Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Damn. Australia is one mean freekin place.

Mar 13, 2007 02:04

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Taylor ~

Oh, good one, Billy D.

Whispers to everyone else: *the percs must be kicking in*

:)

Seriously, it's good to see you back around. Hope your gals are taking good care of you.

Mar 13, 2007 02:36

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Billy D ~

I would be dead, were it not for my wife. She is an amazing nurse/caretaker, etc.

Mar 13, 2007 21:56

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Friends In Need

Death has struck again. Not my family but almost like family. This was unexpected even though the dear lady was in her 80s. The bad news found me sitting quietly at home. I have been trying my best to hide from life and here death comes along, jolting me back to reality. How could I go through another funeral this soon? Haven't even been able to watch one on television since my mother's death. Then it struck me how utterly useless I was to this grieving family, being so steeped in my own grief. This realization made me quite angry at myself so I pulled it together and cooked up some comfort food for them. Went by the house to drop it off, to tell them if there's anything at all I could do, to let me know. They were in the living room, some neighbors were there when I arrived. I didn't stay long. Later that evening they called to tell me how much they enjoyed the food. This was one of the best moments I've had in a long, long time.

Although I almost backed out of it, I did manage to attend the viewing and then the funeral the following day. I had no choice. These good people needed their friends around them now as they had been there for me. The family held up well through it all. I was mostly numb.

I haven't been motivated to post about anything.

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EN ~

Doing things of a practical nature always takes the load off of the family. They don't need anyone to grieve with them, they've got plenty of that already. You did good Darlin', as much as could be done.

Mar 08, 2007 20:19

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Taylor ~

They don't need anyone to grieve with them

That is an excellent point, EN. Life's daily demands still go on, regardless of what tragedy besets us.

Mar 08, 2007 21:25

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Billy D ~

God will let you know what to do and when to do it, and you did.
Anytime you give of yourself, selflessly like that, you're exemplifying exactly what a Christian is supposed to be.
You're a very good person Taylor.

Mar 08, 2007 21:56

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Taylor ~

Thanks, Billy D, you are kind to say this. But, I am not a good person, much less a very good person. I am better than some and not as good as others. At my best, I'm right at the top of the bell curve of goodness. This is my estimate. It could be quite different depending on who you ask.

One's own goodness is one of those things that's too easy to overestimate about oneself. Often, it's only when our goodness is really tested that we can realize how close our assessment actually is. Having been tested, let's just say that I am far from impressed with myself.

Mar 08, 2007 23:14

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Billy D ~

Well shit Taylor, I didn't say you were perfect.
Everyone trips and falls, everyone sins and falls short... you know what I'm saying.
You're a lot better than you think, this I KNOW. Besides, we are our own worst critics.
And smile a bit, would ya? Don't make me drive all the friggin way down to Texas.

Mar 09, 2007 00:07

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Taylor ~

Hey you! I'm writing a comment to your blog at this moment! Geez. And you going into surgery. Don't you even think about me. Go do some deep breathing exercises, relax, eat a lot of protein and good stuff to help your body be ready for that surgery. Take care of yourself for goodness sakes!

Mar 09, 2007 00:20

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Taylor ~

And smile a bit, would ya? Don't make me drive all the friggin way down to Texas.

OK, OK, I'm smiling! The last thing I want is a perturbed giant Blue Bunny popping up at my door... :)

Mar 09, 2007 00:28

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Billy D ~

Make an awesome easter pic though.

Mar 09, 2007 02:15

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Difster ~

Taylor, whether in your situation or others, when we serve, our own problems seem so much smaller. You did what was right. You ministered to them by your service.

Now, think of the people that did the same for you and your family when your mom died and thank them again if you haven't already. Think of it as renewing a blessing, you never know who might need it right now.

Mar 09, 2007 02:47

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Taylor ~

Billy D, I was thinking Easter and had a chuckle thinking about that outfit. That would be a Stephen King Easter Bunny...

Mar 09, 2007 04:00

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Taylor ~

Yeah, Difster, I was motivated by the thought of all the people who did so many things for our family during that time and remembering how much it meant to me. I did indeed thank them all and will never forget what they did.

It was uplifting for me to help this family - who are always there for everyone else. Yes, we do help ourselves when we help others.

Mar 09, 2007 04:36

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Wonder Woman ~

Take your time.

We are here, when you're ready.

It IS what "friends" do.

Mar 11, 2007 17:45

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Taylor ~

Thanks, WW. It's been great having everyone here or it would be a much more desolate period of my life.

Mar 11, 2007 22:52

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